Going legit, not rogue

Despite the apparent uptick in the economy, there's been no change for your humble servant.

Yes, the Wall Street Journal claims that there was a 0.5% increase in Black Friday sales. But not for me.

Beans and rice are my daily meal. Another few weeks and I will have to give up beans. So, I will be taking the advice of my financial consultant and studying for my private investigator's license. I have some cramming to do before next Saturday.

I am going legit.

I'm hoping to avoid selling the Plasticave to a developer who wants to build a mountain resort and casino.

I will give you a report in another week. I will not be able to safeguard the streets and keep a watch on the evildoers, meanwhile.

Until then, please be safe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Internet!

After my last post, I began thinking about the importance of the internet. I rarely leave the Plasticave without first stealing the neighbor's wifi surfing around.

For example, as I travel around Oregon, I use Wikipedia to research some of the areas I visit to surveil suspects.

Once, while undercover, I tailed a criminal from the bustling metropolis of Greenhorn to Portland's urban Mills End Park. According to Wikipedia, mayor Frances Villwock wields the gavel over Greenhorn's population of two. And while Mills End Park's 452 square inches did not make surveillance a challenge, it was good to be prepared.

Craigslist has become an invaluable resource. Plastigirl and I met when I saved her from some dastardly deeds and she was immediately attracted to my bulging muscles. However, if you are looking to make a romantic connection, you may want to be direct and place an ad like this young, Asheville man who advertised  "Take advantage of my new lower standards."

Need some furniture? Where else can you pick up a chair that Ralph Nader possibly sat in?

You can also be entrepreneurial and advertise such services as dead body burials in your back yard.

Amazon is a great resource because of the many user reviews. Being a man of science, I recently needed to purchase Gupta's Chemical Shifts and Coupling Constants for Silicon-29. But before I spent the $7,600 (ships for free with Super Saver Shipping), I decided to read the reviews on Amazon first. I'm glad I did because it confirmed all of the good things I'd been hearing about it.

I was indecisive about what type of pens to buy. I finally went with Bic because of the four star Amazon review here.

Of course, the GM of the internet era, Google, is ever so helpful. Don't speak English? That's OK, because Google's homepage is available in dozens of languages including Klingon.

If you are feeling lost, looking for the meaning of life, try searching Google for the "answer to life, the universe and everything." You'll find it.

Finally, direct your browse on over to the last page of the internet: www.wwwdotcom.com

Piracy out, Internet out

In a previous post, I advocated for changing the official language of the State of Oregon to Pirate. Some may have believed that I, in fact, was advocating piracy. However, I am nothing, if not a tireless crusader for justice and property rights.

Piracy is a dangerous business. If you are a pirate you risk getting your Xbox banned by Microsoft, you might get some really nasty tweets by the Zombieland director, or - perhaps worst of all, you might have to dance for a money-troubled Nicholas Cage in a Somali jail.

Thankfully,  your government is looking out for you!

ComputerWorld has an article about the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) which is currently being negotiated among several future signatories, including: Australia, Canada, the European Community, South Korea, Singapore and the United States.  This treaty will radically change how intellectual property is treated in its member states according to leaked documents analyzed by the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

Though the terms are still murky, you will soon have help to avoid piracy in several ways.

First, border agents will be allowed to search your ipod, cell phone and laptop, confiscating and destroying them should they find illegally ripped and downloaded music or video. I know, this will help me rid my many devices of pirate music. I can never remember which music on my ipod I actually own and which is from cd's  I checked out at the library.

Other provisions discussed include required filtering by your Internet Service Provider (ISP) and mandatory termination of your internet if you are accused (not convicted) of piracy. Three strikes and you are off the internet. Need to pay your bills online? File your taxes? Read the news? Sorry, because the recording industry has accused you of downloading Lady Gaga.

The precise terms of the treaty are still being worked out. You can breathe easy, piracy is on its way out.

Will work for goats and chickens

To supplement my crimefighting income, I placed an ad on Craigslist offering my services as a personal, academic tutor. My Ph. D. enables me to give lessons in a variety of subjects.

The results have not been fruitful. It seems that either the people of the state of Oregon have no need for academic growth or cannot afford my meager fee. However, the ad has attracted a fair number of scam artists.

Below I have transcribed the interchange of e-mails between yours truly and Austine, one such scam artist. I attempted to trace his IP address but Austine was able to cover his tracks.

I have edited these emails only where absolutely necessary to achieve clarity. Believe me, I couldn't make this stuff up.

I am Austine by name,i want to make an enquiry for my son who is coming for the (LESSONS)in order to develop skills,His name is Johnson,13 years.I want him to be busy in holiday.
I have decided to let him attend your lesson for 1 hours in a day-very day or time that you will be chance.i want you to calculate the cost of 1 hours each day for Mon,Wed & Fri for the whole 1 Month and send me the total cost,i will be paying you with Certified check ,so get back to me with your cost. I have nanny always drive him down to your house or lesson venue. Kindly get back to me with
(4.)YOUR PHONE NUMBER.Don't hesitate to e-mail with your total charges.
Thanks and looking to read from you soon.
With Best Regards.
Austine .

 Dearest Austine,

Thanks so much for your quick enquiry and your lovely, interesting spelling.

I was so glad to hear that you need a tutor for your son, Johnson.

Now if your son will be coming on a holiday and staying with Nanny that is a different matter altogether, because I know Nanny, we went to high school together and believe me, I wouldn't trust her with my son.

I'm sorry to say I won't be able to tutor your son, the young Master Johnson. I'm sure he is of good humor. But when I found out Nanny was back in town, installed in an apartment, I rushed over to her love nest for an all night f*** fest and I'm just too worn out for any tutoring. I probably won't be fully recovered until the first of the year.

However, I will call you and give you all of my information including my charges and my address and phone number. Please send me your phone number and I will call you immediately. Normally I prefer to discuss these matters in person, but since you are too kind, I will let you know that my hourly charge is three million rubles. You can send me a cashiers' check or pay me in goats.

You are too kind. Cheerio.
  Thanks for the mail. Well the price is okey by me. Do email me with your full name,addres and tell phone. I ll like my son t start the lesson by next 2 week. Hope to read m you.

 Dearest Austine,

I'm so glad to hear the price is okey by you. Since you have been so kind in your e-mails and have such elegance in your orthography, I'm going to offer you a discount. I'm only going to charge you one million rubles, two goats and a chicken.

Now, I want to begin preparing materials immediately so your son can begin next 2 week. His lesson will be in crimefighting and masculine arts, correct? Please confirm so I can send you information.


Sadly, Austine has yet to respond to my last message.

Wish I were a Twitterati

I've been down on Twitter, lately.

I thought Twitter had potential to be a tool for good. The governor could beam me an @reply into the cold, stormy, Oregon sky, calling me when the state was in trouble. A damsel in distress could DM me and I would come running. My legions of fans would RT my tweets. The twitterati would bit.ly my URL's.

Alas, it has not come to pass. Forty percent of tweets are, in fact, pure drivel.

Most people don't even tweet more than a once - ever. The good news is, if you were hoodwinked into following some of these losers - as I have been, you can use unTweeps.com to find out who they are and unfollow them.

@APlusK, AKA Ashton Kutcher, is approaching four million followers. His wifey, @mrskutcher, is forever ensconced in our collectively tweeted memory in her bikini.

Fame and fortune can come to us lesser folk, too. @shitmydadsays just inked a TV deal.

No TV deal for @plasticgraduate. I'm still trying to get up to 80 followers including pornbots.

My lowly status as the 515,914th twitterer is only slightly ameliorated by my Number One status here at the Plasticave. Luckily, Plastigirl isn't tweeting, yet.

Back to toiling in obscurity...

Please come from the future to rescue this post

It's been a busy week here at the Plasticave.

I've found it necessary to be in two places at the same time. After much googling, science gave me the answer.

As you may know, work on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was stymied by a baguette. I thought it could be Al Qaeda again, or a terrorist pigeon. But upon further investigation, a more interesting theory formed. Could this be the work of some future particle?

Earlier, two researchers hypothesized that the LHC's problems are caused by its future, that the subject of the current research, the Higgs boson, is so terrible, it comes back from the future to avoid being discovered.

Now, I am no quantum mechanic. However, as I mentioned in a previous post, I keep up with various institutions, including Interpol, The American Journal of Paranormal Sciences and the Cryptozoology Museum. I have a Ph.D. from a University in the Carribean and I have an evil, maniacal laugh.

But these articles are a difficult slog.

So instead of reading them all the way through, I decided to read Flash Forward, by Robert Sawyer, a book about the collider, in which the LHC experiment causes people to lose consciousness and see years into their future.

But the book was kind of long, so I instead I began watching the TV show on Hulu. People only see six months into the future on the show so I figured I didn't have long to wait to find out.

But, why wait? Instead, I just told my future self to watch the DVDs of the TV show, and that way, when the LHC begins operation in December and if I really do see my future, I'll already know the end.


A dog a day keeps global warming away

Lately, I've been reading my good friend, Hari Batti's, blog. Even though I'm not convinced about this global warming thing, I do believe in fashion. So, I have decided to try environmentalism.

I began doing a little research and it seems that vegetarians have a smaller carbon footprint than us omnivores. But, one of my few respites from crimefighting are the summer barbecues with the plastifamily. I don't think grilling eggplant and zucchini on a hibachi would prove my manliness and virility in this dog-eat-dog world.

That got me thinking about Pete, my faithful Bull Terrier, who travels with me everywhere. A benefit of living in Oregon is that dogs are loved by all and allowed in every establishment. Now, if you are a chardonnay-sipping elitist who reads the New York Times you wouldn't understand our love for man's best friend.

But in the name of environmentalism, I think it's time to re-evaluate Pete's existence.

First, Pete poops a lot. Too much, in fact. Apparently, he's not alone. American dogs and cats excrete 10 million tons of guano each year. (Insert your own "We're Number Two" joke here). Let's face it, the whole composting thing is too much work.

I'm afraid that I only have one option that will meat meet all of my needs: we are going to barbecue Pete.

Now this tact is backed up by science. I just finished reading a new book: Time to Eat the Dog: The real guide to sustainable living. The impact of having a large pet dog is the same as driving a large car. So I've decided to keep the Plastimobile and eat Pete.

Well, maybe I won't start with Pete. First I'll cruise the neighborhood looking for other animals.

Nutritious? I've done my research. Wikipedia lists the nutritional value of dog meat.

After all, I have to make sure I'm eating a balanced diet.

About this blog

  • Politics.

  • Internet.

  • Technology.

A masked vigilante, the Plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.

He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.

When not eliminating scum from the Earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.

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