What I Did this Summer in California

As you may have read in my previous post, I have fallen on hard times. This has forced me to look for work out of state.

I figured that the with California releasing 40,000 prisoners, surely I could find some freelance work there. So, I loaded up the Plastimobile and I moved to Beverly..Hills, that is. Well, OK, not Beverly Hills, but to a seedy motel off the Sunset Strip. I wanted to be near the action.

But first, I decided to do a little sightseeing. I went to Koreatown, where I saw some very offensive billboards. After that, I realized I had left all of my crimefighting gear back at the Plasticave, so I went to buy some more

at Mr. Stuff. They were out of capes, though, so I was back to Hollywood Boulevard for that.

Finally, I drove over to get some souvenirs for the Plastigirl and the kids at the L.A. Coroner's Office Gift Shop. I spent so much money there, I couldn't afford another night at the motel, so I had to drive straight back to the Plasticave. Oh well, I'm sure the Governator can take care of crime in the Golden State.



Recession Hits Crime and Crimefighters Hard

Despite all the efforts of the leaders of this great state to attract business, it appears that the beaver state only has the fourteenth best business climate in the country. Apparently, corporate business taxes are far too high. Can you imagine? What to do when businesses pay at least ten dollars a year in taxes? Sprint, Macys and Eli Lilly will surely flee the state if they have to pay more!

This recession has hit all of us hard. My life, as a solitary crimefighter, has been especially difficult. You see, I spend my days monitoring the ground situation and many sleepless nights trolling the streets for the dregs of society so you don't have to. But even drug dealers have fallen upon hard times. Without narcotrafficking, crime goes down and I'm out of a job.

So I may have to turn to product placement on this blog. Perhaps some Google AdWords. Whatever I can to turn a buck.

I've already been approached by a few manufacturers to do product endorsements. I would appreciate some feedback, dear reader, before signing a contract. I know some are a little scatological. But, would you buy any of these products?

  • Are you a parolee coming in to do a urine test? Nervous? Toked up a few days ago? Relax, because you're urinating into Petey P. Cup. He's warm and soothing. You can even be his fan on Facebook!
  • Don't be a scofflaw the next time you take Fido out for a walk! Use the Pootrap and you'll never be caught unprepared.
  • Cheney and Bush may have allowed waterboarding, but when the plasticgraduate questions subjects he never resorts to "enhanced interrogation techniques." If you enjoyed Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, you'll love our torture trading cards! Collect them all.
Thank you for your continued support.



Note regarding old posts

Regular readers of plasticgraduate.com may notice some older posts being 'reposted.' They had been inadvertently taken down when the domain was changed and over the next few days may be appearing. Please excuse any problems this may cause in your RSS feed.



Government option is a slippery slope to socialism

Excuse the political edge of this post. If you are a liberal you may wish to skip this commentary:


The leftist crazies in this country want the government to take over healthcare. It's downright frightening to step outside the plasticave.

As a crimefighter, I have to keep myself in peak physical condition, after all, how can I be expected to chase down bad guys on my bum knee? If I am forced to eat sprouts and run six miles a day, why should I pay insurance premiums for people who eat Kraft dinners and get cancer?

We should not depend upon the largess of the oppressive government to take care of us. It is up to the individual. We must get rid of programs that ultimately harm people by making them dependent on the government. Let's get those stinkin', lazy kids off welfare and put them to work!

You like the library? It's part of a bloated government. If you like to read, buy your own books like they do in Philadelphia. (Update: it appears that the socialist prevailed in the City of Brotherly Love).

I personally would prefer a complete disbanding of the police department. By privatizing the police, I could pick up some more freelance hours. If you can't afford protection, well, boo hoo. Too bad for your bleeding, liberal heart.

We're making inroads with the army. Smaller is better. We can avoid the draft and hire private contractors!


Finally, nobody has a 'right' to a free education. My grandfather left school at age nine to work on the farm and he became successful by sweat and hard work.

We must stop socialism now. If healthcare in Cuba is so good, why is Fidel Castro sick? Our healthcare system is the best in the world! Well, at least it would make the top forty!



the pg answers fan email

Faithful readers:

I take a few moments this week to respond to a reader's email. I hope you enjoy
*****
Dear the plasticgraduate,

I desperately need help and I don't know where else to turn. A friend told me about your website and suggested that I ask for your assistance.

Some time ago, I began visiting our local public library on a daily basis to use the internet. Every time I go, a strange man sits next to me and begins surfing porn, making loud comments like, "Huh, the internet sure is useful" and "You don't see that on Wikipedia, do you?" Now, he keeps asking me for my phone number. Can you take him out? (and no - I don't me on a date - I'm talkin' Godfather style).

Respectfully,

"The internet's for TMZ, not XXX"

****

Dear "TMZ not XXX"

The plasticgraduate's libertarian bent would protect this individual's right to smut surfing on the public portals. Though, he would suggest that the librarians of your fair community create a roped off area of the library for this practice prominently labeled "Pervert Section," much like restaurants had for smoking during the 20th century before our oppressive, governmental regime outlawed our god given right to tobacco.

As you left me no phone number, address or any contact information whatsoever, it was exceedingly difficult to track down this cretin. However, I traced your ip address from the e-mail you sent from your library. From that information and the time and date stamp of the e-mail, I used some social engineering to finagle my way past the unsuspecting librarians thereby gaining your name, phone number, social security number, driver's license, dog's name, favorite ethnic restaurant and the password for your facebook page. May I say you really looked hot in that Santa suit at the Christmas party.

But I digress. Yes, I also got the information on your would-be admirer.

I looked him up on the Sex Offender's Registry and, as I am also a fan of Jeff Lindsay and his Dexter series, I will be taking care of this matter for you.

I cannot comment on the exact nature of my actions. Let's just say I will make him an offer he can't refuse.

Yours truly,

the pg



An environmentalist comes to the blogosphere

Though the plasticgraduate is a law & order kind of guy who believes that natural resources are for the strong and powerful to use as they please, he has friends from across the political spectrum.

Some of these friends also fight for justice, even if it for something as silly as the well-being of the developing world. Screw 'em, I say.

Nevertheless, we take a moment to welcome frequent commenter, Hari Batti, to the blogosphere with his Green Light Dhaba. Hari fights for environmental & social justice on the Indian subcontinent. See what the daily special is.



Users Find Help at the Betty Ford Clinic of Internet Addiction

I recently stepped away from the computer to get a quick snack and take a bathroom break. When I got back to my workstation, I had received a pop-up on one of the many monitors I have alerting me about how to deal with my internet addiction.

Of course, the plasticgraduate really has no such problem. While there are 87 million Americans who are stuck on the Facebook for hours and hours,  I much prefer the old fashioned string and tin cans. Since the Bush administration, though, illegal wire tapping and string tapping have been rampant. One can never be too careful, which is why I'm considering canceling my string service and Comcast and sending all of my data via carrier pigeon. That way my data should be safe from the authorites, unless the pigeon is suspected of terrorism. In which case I will have to hand deliver this blog to your door.



Cats do not have Nine Nine Nine Lives on the Internet

While, I am the plasticgraduate, not the grammar girl, no - that is not a typo.

The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Yesterday was 9/9/9. The plasticgraduate does not believe in numerology and there is a conspiracy to keep the truth about this date from the public.

While mainstream media outlets pique our interest, but ultimately insist that there is nothing special about the day, the blogosphere has sought to focus on one of the more pernicious problems which has infested the Internet since its inception: cats, many of them feral, many of them not.

You may have noticed relatively few cats on the internet yesterday. The folks at Urlesque declared it was a day without cats. The fourth estate immediately jumped on the bandwagon. Time, NPR, and many, many blogs did the same - drawing our collective attention away from the momentous occasion of 9/9/9. And when a gathering was to take place as the clock struck 9:09:09 that celestial evening, representative Joe Wilson yelled "liar" in the middle of President Obama's Speech on Healthcare.

His chief of staff has issued a press release stating that Mr. Wilson was not referring to the President, he was yelling at his neighbor who claimed that cats can't really play piano.

My wish: 10/10/10 - a day without Comcast.



Facts and Figures about the 33rd State

Fact: 57% of all Oregonians were born in a state other than Oregon.*

Fact: 28% of all Oregonians believe themselves to be "environmentally aware."*

Fact: All Oregonians own a pair of Khakis and a Kleen Kanteen.*

(*I was actually too lazy to look up any of this and made it all up.)



Neither a boring blog nor a Boring blog!

You may think that this is the most boring blog, but you would be wrong.

Many of you have speculated on the exact location of the Plasticave, from which, lonejustice is written. Well, I assure you that it is not in Boring. The Plasticave is a secure hideaway, and yours truly, the plasticgraduate, accesses lonejustice, through a series of tubes called the Internet. This is truly amazing technology that allows for complete anonymity.

Well, perhaps not so anonymous if Google is served with a subpoena, then the true identity of the plasticgraduate will be revealed. Which begs the question, who is hotter, Rosemary Port or the plasticgraduate?



Would Monkeys Prefer Windows or Apple?

The plasticgraduate has always been a great believer in the superiority of the animal kingdom. Obviously, monkeys have known for years how to peel a banana while I always struggle, mashing it and throwing away half. Oh well, I usually have enough left over for my Cheerios. What do monkeys care about cereal? They probably take Lipitor for their cholesterol problems.

So monkeys are clearly intelligent creatures, so closely related to homo sapiens they could be our uncles. But I never understood how you could place one in front of a typewriter and he would eventually knock out the great works of Shakespeare. I didn't think monkeys even liked Shakespeare. What if it were a French monkey? Would he write Victor Hugo instead?

Apparently some guy in England actually tested out this theory. After five years, all he could get out of the monkey was the word, "monkey." Not even, "monkey want banana."

So, I heard that this Internet thing is a little like the infinite monkey theory. Except that it's proved the theory wrong.


About this blog


  • Politics.

  • Internet.

  • Technology.


A masked vigilante, the plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.

He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.

When not eliminating scum from the earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.

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