To supplement my crimefighting income, I placed an ad on Craigslist offering my services as a personal, academic tutor. My Ph. D. enables me to give lessons in a variety of subjects.

The results have not been fruitful. It seems that either the people of the state of Oregon have no need for academic growth or cannot afford my meager fee. However, the ad has attracted a fair number of scam artists.

Below I have transcribed the interchange of e-mails between yours truly and Austine, one such scam artist. I attempted to trace his IP address but Austine was able to cover his tracks.

I have edited these emails only where absolutely necessary to achieve clarity. Believe me, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Subject: PRAVITE LESSON
Hello,
I am Austine by name,i want to make an enquiry for my son who is coming for the (LESSONS)in order to develop skills,His name is Johnson,13 years.I want him to be busy in holiday.
I have decided to let him attend your lesson for 1 hours in a day-very day or time that you will be chance.i want you to calculate the cost of 1 hours each day for Mon,Wed & Fri for the whole 1 Month and send me the total cost,i will be paying you with Certified check ,so get back to me with your cost. I have nanny always drive him down to your house or lesson venue. Kindly get back to me with
(1).YOUR CHARGE FOR 1 HOUR.
(2).TOTAL CHARGES FOR 1 MONTH THAT HE WILL BE TAUGHT
(3).TIMES PER WEEK.3. FULL NAME AND ADDRESS WITH ZIPCODE.
(4.)YOUR PHONE NUMBER.Don't hesitate to e-mail with your total charges.
Thanks and looking to read from you soon.
With Best Regards.
Austine .

 Dearest Austine,

Thanks so much for your quick enquiry and your lovely, interesting spelling.

I was so glad to hear that you need a tutor for your son, Johnson.

Now if your son will be coming on a holiday and staying with Nanny that is a different matter altogether, because I know Nanny, we went to high school together and believe me, I wouldn't trust her with my son.

I'm sorry to say I won't be able to tutor your son, the young Master Johnson. I'm sure he is of good humor. But when I found out Nanny was back in town, installed in an apartment, I rushed over to her love nest for an all night f*** fest and I'm just too worn out for any tutoring. I probably won't be fully recovered until the first of the year.

However, I will call you and give you all of my information including my charges and my address and phone number. Please send me your phone number and I will call you immediately. Normally I prefer to discuss these matters in person, but since you are too kind, I will let you know that my hourly charge is three million rubles. You can send me a cashiers' check or pay me in goats.

You are too kind. Cheerio.
-Plasty

Hello.
  Thanks for the mail. Well the price is okey by me. Do email me with your full name,addres and tell phone. I ll like my son t start the lesson by next 2 week. Hope to read m you.
Thanks

 Dearest Austine,

I'm so glad to hear the price is okey by you. Since you have been so kind in your e-mails and have such elegance in your orthography, I'm going to offer you a discount. I'm only going to charge you one million rubles, two goats and a chicken.

Now, I want to begin preparing materials immediately so your son can begin next 2 week. His lesson will be in crimefighting and masculine arts, correct? Please confirm so I can send you information.

*****

Sadly, Austine has yet to respond to my last message.

After urging young people to stay in school it was pointed out to me that Oregon is at the forefront of educational reform. It's truly an amazing feat considering that the state ranks 49th in class size.

I was reminded of how our schools are preparing young people for the 21st century when I went to the post office the other day (mail delivery to the Plasticave is spotty, so I opt for a PO Box) and found a notice that there would be shorter hours at my branch. This was all part of USPS modernization and cost reduction efforts because of the 2.8 billion dollar deficit last year.

Now, over in McMinnville, Oregon, they've decided to recreate a post office to teach kids about writing letters and getting mail. Kids can send and receive missives by addressing their letters and placing them in the mail box. This is a revolutionary in an era when people spend 68 hours on the internet every month, including five and a half hours on Facebook.

It's important that young folks learn these skills: mail delivery is clearly a growth industry. The good folks around here are mighty proud that we're teaching some of our youngins to grow up to be postal workers.

Instead of a fake post office, they could have a fake, drug-dealing school bus like they do in Laredo, Texas.

I hope they're teaching these kids about going postal.

Ever since I bought got my Ph.D., people have asked me, "Plasticgraduate, how did you get so smart?"

But it's not intelligence, grasshopper. It's hard work and dedication that made me the incredible person who writes before you.

Whenever I have one of my many motivational speaking engagements at local public schools across this great state (all at a reasonable fee, including per diem), I tell kids, "Stay in school. Do your best! Don't get drunker than your teachers.

But, alas, it pains me to read the news of late and see that some students and teachers are being denied entry to school simply because they want to have guns and defend themselves. Thou shalt carry a firearm: it's called the second commandment, people!

Let's be honest. Schools can be dangerous places and they can be made safer by teaching students weaponry. Recess is full of uncertainty. Six-year olds armed with Swiss Army knives can protect themselves and others from harm and cheaters at kickball.

However, what kind of country do we live in? An unpatriotic 10 year-old can refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance but can't tell a substitute to "jump off a bridge" without fear of retribution?

The terrorists have already won.