the pg answers fan email

Faithful readers:

I take a few moments this week to respond to a reader's email. I hope you enjoy
*****
Dear the plasticgraduate,

I desperately need help and I don't know where else to turn. A friend told me about your website and suggested that I ask for your assistance.

Some time ago, I began visiting our local public library on a daily basis to use the internet. Every time I go, a strange man sits next to me and begins surfing porn, making loud comments like, "Huh, the internet sure is useful" and "You don't see that on Wikipedia, do you?" Now, he keeps asking me for my phone number. Can you take him out? (and no - I don't me on a date - I'm talkin' Godfather style).

Respectfully,

"The internet's for TMZ, not XXX"

****

Dear "TMZ not XXX"

The plasticgraduate's libertarian bent would protect this individual's right to smut surfing on the public portals. Though, he would suggest that the librarians of your fair community create a roped off area of the library for this practice prominently labeled "Pervert Section," much like restaurants had for smoking during the 20th century before our oppressive, governmental regime outlawed our god given right to tobacco.

As you left me no phone number, address or any contact information whatsoever, it was exceedingly difficult to track down this cretin. However, I traced your ip address from the e-mail you sent from your library. From that information and the time and date stamp of the e-mail, I used some social engineering to finagle my way past the unsuspecting librarians thereby gaining your name, phone number, social security number, driver's license, dog's name, favorite ethnic restaurant and the password for your facebook page. May I say you really looked hot in that Santa suit at the Christmas party.

But I digress. Yes, I also got the information on your would-be admirer.

I looked him up on the Sex Offender's Registry and, as I am also a fan of Jeff Lindsay and his Dexter series, I will be taking care of this matter for you.

I cannot comment on the exact nature of my actions. Let's just say I will make him an offer he can't refuse.

Yours truly,

the pg


2 comments to "the pg answers fan email"

About this blog


  • Politics.

  • Internet.

  • Technology.


A masked vigilante, the plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.

He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.

When not eliminating scum from the earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.

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