As a crimefighter, I know it can be difficult to patrol the mean streets of a major metropolis like Portland, Oregon.

Luckily, the thin blue line is out, protecting us daily from the menaces2society. And not just from the criminals, gangs and violence, but also from 12 year-olds, the mentally ill, college students and people on fire.

Now, you may complain. You may cry police abuse. But I ask you, "Don't you want a safer town?" A town that is ruled with an iron fist is safe. Spare the rod and spoil the child my mother used to say and I turned out OK - even, earning a Ph.D. as you can tell from my fancy hat.

I submit the first of a two part post highlighting some high profile cases while juxtaposing the preposterous claims of police abuse as proof that we, your humble public servants, are only doing our best to serve and protect the public from ne'er do wells.

Don't piss on me
Urination and mental illness should never be tolerated. Which is why two Portland Police Officers and one Multnomah County Sherrif's Deputy tackled, tasered and beat James Chasse in September 2006 leading to his mysterious death. Instead of taking him to a hospital, they let the ambulance go, and tried to book him first. It's important to lock these people up before there's more street urination. Rabble rousing citizens decided to file complaints of undue police force.  Luckily a grand jury convened at the time, cleared all of the officers involved, including Chris Humphreys, of any wrongdoing.

Now, I particularly feel for Officer Humphreys. He was so confused over the James Chasse death that he changed his story three days after the incident. Speaking personally, this is perfectly normal. I change my stories more frequently than Michelle Duggar changes diapers.

Things had been dormant since 2006 as the populace had understood that law and order reigned. Things became a little bumpy last year, however (giving yours truly an opportunity to break into the freelance market).

But it's been coming fast and furious now from our Police Chief Rosie Sizer and gang.

Don't ride on me
On November 14, 2009, Portland Police were called to break up a party of 75-100 teens. Apparently, police have no problem breaking up large groups of partying teens. Controlling one teen is another thing altogether. One of these revelers, a 12 year-old girl, tried to get on the Tri-Met (the light rail system). The girl had previously been banned from riding the Tri-Met, so the officers took her off the train and proceeded to handcuff her. When the 150 lb, 12 year-old became aggressive, three officers were unable to restrain her without resorting to shooting her in the thigh with a high powered bean bag gun. What was the name of the officer who shot her? Chris Humphreys. Yes, the same officer involved in the death of James Chasse three years earlier (who was also named in a 2003 lawsuit and, as of 2006, was tied at #2 for most Use of Force incidents among the Portland Police). The girl was only bruised, and was taken away to be prosecuted for resisting arrest. You can see a video of incident below.



When poor, stressed out Officer Humphreys was suspended following this incident, hundreds of his brothers in blue did the only right thing and took to the streets and protested. Unfortunately, I was out of town and couldn't show my support.

They were unable to get a permit for their protest. It was peaceful, though, and there were no arrests (Who would have arrested them, I wonder?).

As it turns out, Officer Humphreys had already filed a stress-related disability claim - I'm the first to tell you that all that shooting and beating can make anybody anxious. I recommend a daily cup of St. John's Wort tea. It has changed my life.

Next Post: Part II - Feeling despondent, suicidal? Don't call a suicide line, the Portland Popo are here to help!
Is this a fire extinguisher or pepper spray? Car 54 where are you? Do you have a cigar in your mouth or are you just happy to see me? So many possible titles for the next post, so little headline space. See you next time.

Ever since I bought got my Ph.D., people have asked me, "Plasticgraduate, how did you get so smart?"

But it's not intelligence, grasshopper. It's hard work and dedication that made me the incredible person who writes before you.

Whenever I have one of my many motivational speaking engagements at local public schools across this great state (all at a reasonable fee, including per diem), I tell kids, "Stay in school. Do your best! Don't get drunker than your teachers.

But, alas, it pains me to read the news of late and see that some students and teachers are being denied entry to school simply because they want to have guns and defend themselves. Thou shalt carry a firearm: it's called the second commandment, people!

Let's be honest. Schools can be dangerous places and they can be made safer by teaching students weaponry. Recess is full of uncertainty. Six-year olds armed with Swiss Army knives can protect themselves and others from harm and cheaters at kickball.

However, what kind of country do we live in? An unpatriotic 10 year-old can refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance but can't tell a substitute to "jump off a bridge" without fear of retribution?

The terrorists have already won.

Excuse the political edge of this post. If you are a liberal you may wish to skip this commentary:

The leftist crazies in this country want the government to take over healthcare. It's downright frightening to step outside the plasticave.

As a crimefighter, I have to keep myself in peak physical condition, after all, how can I be expected to chase down bad guys on my bum knee? If I am forced to eat sprouts and run six miles a day, why should I pay insurance premiums for people who eat Kraft dinners and get cancer?

We should not depend upon the largess of the oppressive government to take care of us. It is up to the individual. We must get rid of programs that ultimately harm people by making them dependent on the government. Let's get those stinkin', lazy kids off welfare and put them to work!

You like the library? It's part of a bloated government. If you like to read, buy your own books like they do in Philadelphia. (Update: it appears that the socialist prevailed in the City of Brotherly Love).

I personally would prefer a complete disbanding of the police department. By privatizing the police, I could pick up some more freelance hours. If you can't afford protection, well, boo hoo. Too bad for your bleeding, liberal heart.

We're making inroads with the army. Smaller is better. We can avoid the draft and hire private contractors!

Finally, nobody has a 'right' to a free education. My grandfather left school at age nine to work on the farm and he became successful by sweat and hard work.

We must stop socialism now. If healthcare in Cuba is so good, why is Fidel Castro sick? Our healthcare system is the best in the world! Well, at least it would make the top forty!