Portland gets tough on crime Part I

As a crimefighter, I know it can be difficult to patrol the mean streets of a major metropolis like Portland, Oregon.

Luckily, the thin blue line is out, protecting us daily from the menaces2society. And not just from the criminals, gangs and violence, but also from 12 year-olds, the mentally ill, college students and people on fire.

Now, you may complain. You may cry police abuse. But I ask you, "Don't you want a safer town?" A town that is ruled with an iron fist is safe. Spare the rod and spoil the child my mother used to say and I turned out OK - even, earning a Ph.D. as you can tell from my fancy hat.

I submit the first of a two part post highlighting some high profile cases while juxtaposing the preposterous claims of police abuse as proof that we, your humble public servants, are only doing our best to serve and protect the public from ne'er do wells.

Don't piss on me
Urination and mental illness should never be tolerated. Which is why two Portland Police Officers and one Multnomah County Sherrif's Deputy tackled, tasered and beat James Chasse in September 2006 leading to his mysterious death. Instead of taking him to a hospital, they let the ambulance go, and tried to book him first. It's important to lock these people up before there's more street urination. Rabble rousing citizens decided to file complaints of undue police force.  Luckily a grand jury convened at the time, cleared all of the officers involved, including Chris Humphreys, of any wrongdoing.

Now, I particularly feel for Officer Humphreys. He was so confused over the James Chasse death that he changed his story three days after the incident. Speaking personally, this is perfectly normal. I change my stories more frequently than Michelle Duggar changes diapers.

Things had been dormant since 2006 as the populace had understood that law and order reigned. Things became a little bumpy last year, however (giving yours truly an opportunity to break into the freelance market).

But it's been coming fast and furious now from our Police Chief Rosie Sizer and gang.

Don't ride on me
On November 14, 2009, Portland Police were called to break up a party of 75-100 teens. Apparently, police have no problem breaking up large groups of partying teens. Controlling one teen is another thing altogether. One of these revelers, a 12 year-old girl, tried to get on the Tri-Met (the light rail system). The girl had previously been banned from riding the Tri-Met, so the officers took her off the train and proceeded to handcuff her. When the 150 lb, 12 year-old became aggressive, three officers were unable to restrain her without resorting to shooting her in the thigh with a high powered bean bag gun. What was the name of the officer who shot her? Chris Humphreys. Yes, the same officer involved in the death of James Chasse three years earlier (who was also named in a 2003 lawsuit and, as of 2006, was tied at #2 for most Use of Force incidents among the Portland Police). The girl was only bruised, and was taken away to be prosecuted for resisting arrest. You can see a video of incident below.



When poor, stressed out Officer Humphreys was suspended following this incident, hundreds of his brothers in blue did the only right thing and took to the streets and protested. Unfortunately, I was out of town and couldn't show my support.

They were unable to get a permit for their protest. It was peaceful, though, and there were no arrests (Who would have arrested them, I wonder?).

As it turns out, Officer Humphreys had already filed a stress-related disability claim - I'm the first to tell you that all that shooting and beating can make anybody anxious. I recommend a daily cup of St. John's Wort tea. It has changed my life.

Next Post: Part II - Feeling despondent, suicidal? Don't call a suicide line, the Portland Popo are here to help!
Is this a fire extinguisher or pepper spray? Car 54 where are you? Do you have a cigar in your mouth or are you just happy to see me? So many possible titles for the next post, so little headline space. See you next time.


1 comments to "Portland gets tough on crime Part I"

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A masked vigilante, the plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.

He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.

When not eliminating scum from the earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.

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