Portland gets tough on crime Part II

In my previous post, I outlined some of the travails of pdx officer Chris Humphreys and his escapades keeping the citizens of Portland in line.

I want to stress how calls for his suspension are utterly unrealistic and part of a larger liberal conspiracy. The Portland Police are, in fact, protecting us from depravity and dereliction.

This is a particularly dangerous time in the city of Portland. I need the help of the iron hand of the popo to maintain order.

Here are a few examples of the troubles that face our city and how the police have lent me a hand:

  • At the end of January, someone attempted to start a fire in City Hall with a bagel. Luckily, the building was evacuated and there were no injuries. 
  • Back in December, while police broke up a fight among the homeless, an officer's police car was stolen. This was the second police car robbery that month.
  • In January, while witnessing a man immolate himself, a Portland police officer sought to extinguish the man. She used pepper spray instead of a fire extinguisher. Chief of Police Rosie Sizer defended the officer saying, "...in many ways, her acts were heroic." I'd have to agreee.
  • Walking the street in areas with gang activity is usually cause for suspicion. Sometimes the police need to randomly pat people down, slam them on the ground and put their knees on their back, especially to 130 pound cigar-smoking women.
Everybody, especially despondent, suicidal men such as Aaron Campbell, must always follow police instructions. If not, they are fair game. Yes, he had just lost his brother earlier in the day. Yes, the police were informed that he could be armed. Police believed he was reaching toward his waist as they shot him in the back with a rifle on January 29th after being called to the scene.

Now, dear readers, you may be thinking, "I've seen 'Law & Order.' After the detectives fire their weapons, the suspect goes down, the police rush over, sigh, then - visibly upset that they've injured or killed somebody, yell in their radios, 'I need a bus! Stat!'"

Things work a little differently up here, you see. Because, as the grand jury found, when they cleared the officers of any wrongdoing of killing Campbell, it took another 36 minutes before they checked to see how he was doing. I dunno, maybe they had to make a coffee run. Maybe there was another, more pressing criminal act to take care of. Maybe they were all out of that yellow police tape.

So you see, my friends, being a crimefighter in Portland is not for the weak. It takes a strong constitution.


1 comments to "Portland gets tough on crime Part II"

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A masked vigilante, the plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.

He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.

When not eliminating scum from the earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.

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