When I read the headline "850 Mostly Blind, Pale Creatures Discovered Underground" I thought perhaps the Oregon Legislators had come trick-or-treating to the Plasticave.

But apparently, it was just an article about some animals or something. It got me thinking, though, that I should start preparing for Halloween. So I began to surf around the internet as I am wont to do looking for ideas.

Even though our only visitor to the Plasticave is Sasqui, we still like to decorate. We drink cider, bob for apples and scare campers away.

First step: get a jack-o-lantern, as I am better with a gun than with a knife, the whole carving of the pumpkin is beyond me, so if I could buy the pumpkin with the face grown into it, that would save me tons of time and the plastikids would be amazed at my technique.

When it comes to a costume I'm still undecided. Though, I know what won't work if I go to Ashland. Unfortunately, the mayor has decided to reverse his earlier decision and place a ban on nudity near schools. I suppose if I limit my trick-or-treating to areas far from schools I could go in the buff.

Finally what to place next to that jack-o-lantern? A neigbor of mine has built a fake cemetery in their front yard. I can do better. I'm going to get a real corpse like they do in Los Angeles, now that's scary!

Happy Halloween!

Dear reader,

Your humble, dedicated servant, the plasticgraduate has had the most humiliating experience on a recent flight.

I was called to help a young woman in distress and once again the plastimobile was in the shop. (Note to self: next time when somebody says to buy a car with a horse on it, get a Mustang, not a Pinto.)

So, I took a flight on a reputable airline. As part of my crime monitoring duties, I religiously read the TSA blog and follow the FBI Twitterfeed (Don't be fooled by these hooligans) so I consider myself aware of security and terrorism threats. I dutifully placed all my liquids in little bottles in little ziploc bags. My crimefighting gear was mailed ahead of me and waiting at the hotel. All was good.

I proceeded to the gate and went to go through the security screening. I removed my shoes, put them in a bin and walked through the metal detector. Because of the risk of fungal infection, I applied Purell to my feet after passing through the detector but was pulled for a secondary inspection.

My heart was racing. Had my true identity been discovered? Did they find my cape and tights in my carry-on and have questions?

No, apparently I was pulled for a TSA rectal exam because of the Saudi ass bomber. And, no, for those of you snickering, this was not pleasant.

Back in the day, I could have been arrested for paying for this service.

Now it just feels like the TSA is a cheap date. I literally did this for peanuts. I didn't even get dinner or a movie.

After urging young people to stay in school it was pointed out to me that Oregon is at the forefront of educational reform. It's truly an amazing feat considering that the state ranks 49th in class size.

I was reminded of how our schools are preparing young people for the 21st century when I went to the post office the other day (mail delivery to the Plasticave is spotty, so I opt for a PO Box) and found a notice that there would be shorter hours at my branch. This was all part of USPS modernization and cost reduction efforts because of the 2.8 billion dollar deficit last year.

Now, over in McMinnville, Oregon, they've decided to recreate a post office to teach kids about writing letters and getting mail. Kids can send and receive missives by addressing their letters and placing them in the mail box. This is a revolutionary in an era when people spend 68 hours on the internet every month, including five and a half hours on Facebook.

It's important that young folks learn these skills: mail delivery is clearly a growth industry. The good folks around here are mighty proud that we're teaching some of our youngins to grow up to be postal workers.

Instead of a fake post office, they could have a fake, drug-dealing school bus like they do in Laredo, Texas.

I hope they're teaching these kids about going postal.

Ever since I bought got my Ph.D., people have asked me, "Plasticgraduate, how did you get so smart?"

But it's not intelligence, grasshopper. It's hard work and dedication that made me the incredible person who writes before you.

Whenever I have one of my many motivational speaking engagements at local public schools across this great state (all at a reasonable fee, including per diem), I tell kids, "Stay in school. Do your best! Don't get drunker than your teachers.

But, alas, it pains me to read the news of late and see that some students and teachers are being denied entry to school simply because they want to have guns and defend themselves. Thou shalt carry a firearm: it's called the second commandment, people!

Let's be honest. Schools can be dangerous places and they can be made safer by teaching students weaponry. Recess is full of uncertainty. Six-year olds armed with Swiss Army knives can protect themselves and others from harm and cheaters at kickball.

However, what kind of country do we live in? An unpatriotic 10 year-old can refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance but can't tell a substitute to "jump off a bridge" without fear of retribution?

The terrorists have already won.

So, I decided to do the ole vanity Google search for myself and see what I found, but I wanted to expand my horizons, and give Microsoft a chance, with their newfangled search engine, Bing. But, being short on time as I had a call on the radio about an assault in progress, I though it best to combine the Bing and Google searches in one, using Bingle, a website that compares the results of the king of searches with the pretender.

First, I searched for 'plasticgraduate.' Google was the clear winner. I was nowhere to be seen in Bing's results. So I began searching for friends and family members. I started with Sasqui and was disturbed to see a grainy video someone captured of him walking in the forest. Frightening:



But even more disconcerting, were the various images of other women posing as Plastigirl.
While she does play pool, and even wears a striking, black vinyl suit when we go out on the town, I assure you, she does not get on the table, even after a few beers.




And while I cannot reveal her maiden name, she changed it to Plastigirl once we began living in sin. She is not Plastigirl, however, as the result of surgery.

Finally, she is not bionic. But she does know how to boogie:

It has been one week since my bottle message to Representative Kevin Cameron (R-19) of the State Legislature to request that Pirate be made an official state language. I have yet to receive a reply. I fear that my hard, thankless work for the state of Oregon is once again unnoticed. Such is the life of a masked crusader.

Below is the e-mail sent to Mr. Cameron. Feel free to e-mail him or his staff. (rep.kevincameron@state.or.us)

Representative Cameron,

As one of the sponsors of HB 2459 during the 2007 Regular Session of the Legislative Assembly, which sought to make English the Official Language of the Great State of Oregon, I am hoping you will sponsor a bill to make Pirate the official language of Oregon. This would honor the history of Oregon pre-Lewis & Clark as well as the diversity which we now have in our state of pirates and non pirates. As you know, September 19, is Talk Like a Pirate Day, be hopin' next voyage we be speakin' as true gentleman o' fortune.

Ahoy, Matey!

the plasticgraduate.

Followers of my travails will recall my search for gainful employment.

Here in the Hard-Case State, we remain stuck at the fourth highest unemployment rate in the nation. Even the Employment Department cannot handle the flood of people, asking citizens not to call on Monday because of problems in their computer system. Perhaps instead of crimefighting I should have studied computer science.

Should you fear that yours truly would be taking a break from his crime stopping activities on October 16 for one of the furlough Fridays that the state has scheduled, never fear - I will not hesitate nor equivocate when it comes to rooting out evil.

Meanwhile, technology has come to the rescue to help folks fight corruption and face down lawlessness. As I mentioned in a previous post, it now appears that, at least when it comes to criminals, Facebook is making us dumber. The crack carabinieri of Italy, arrested a man who checked Facebook during a robbery and left his account open. Hey, but that wasn't the first time. if you were stealing diamond rings, wouldn't you stop to update your status first?

So, dear friends. Need help? Let me know. Comment. E-mail me. Friend me on Facebook. Or, simply write a message on your Facebook wall. I'll come running.

September 19, International Talk Like a Pirate Day, came and went at the Plasticave without much notice. In fact, throughout the great state of Oregon it went largely unnoticed as most people went about their daily life. So when September 30, International Translation Day, came, I knew it was time to expand my linguistic horizons.

Now, as it turns out, my neighbor, Sasqui, was a supporter of the (failed) 2007 HB 2459, which would have made English Oregon's official language, and allowed state government to provide information only in English. Sasqui always says, "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me."

But through the magic of Markie Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebooks, we can now exhibit our multilingualism in the privacy of our own homes. Because not only is Facebook now available in languages as exotic as Euskadi, Bosnian and a bunch of languages with curlicues, but also in Esperanto, Latin and Pirate.

I will be contacting one of our lawmakers to get Pirate named as an official state language. I will keep you apprised of the results in a future bottle message.