Faithful readers:
Dear the plasticgraduate,
I desperately need help and I don't know where else to turn. A friend told me about your website and suggested that I ask for your assistance.
Some time ago, I began visiting our local public library on a daily basis to use the internet. Every time I go, a strange man sits next to me and begins surfing porn, making loud comments like, "Huh, the internet sure is useful" and "You don't see that on Wikipedia, do you?" Now, he keeps asking me for my phone number. Can you take him out? (and no - I don't me on a date - I'm talkin' Godfather style).
Respectfully,
"The internet's for TMZ, not XXX"
****
Dear "TMZ not XXX"
The plasticgraduate's libertarian bent would protect this individual's right to smut surfing on the public portals. Though, he would suggest that the librarians of your fair community create a roped off area of the library for this practice prominently labeled "Pervert Section," much like restaurants had for smoking during the 20th century before our oppressive, governmental regime outlawed our god given right to tobacco.
As you left me no phone number, address or any contact information whatsoever, it was exceedingly difficult to track down this cretin. However, I traced your ip address from the e-mail you sent from your library. From that information and the time and date stamp of the e-mail, I used some social engineering to finagle my way past the unsuspecting librarians thereby gaining your name, phone number, social security number, driver's license, dog's name, favorite ethnic restaurant and the password for your facebook page. May I say you really looked hot in that Santa suit at the Christmas party.
But I digress. Yes, I also got the information on your would-be admirer.
I looked him up on the Sex Offender's Registry and, as I am also a fan of Jeff Lindsay and his Dexter series, I will be taking care of this matter for you.
I cannot comment on the exact nature of my actions. Let's just say I will make him an offer he can't refuse.
Yours truly,
the pg
Though the plasticgraduate is a law & order kind of guy who believes that natural resources are for the strong and powerful to use as they please, he has friends from across the political spectrum.
Some of these friends also fight for justice, even if it for something as silly as the well-being of the developing world. Screw 'em, I say.
Nevertheless, we take a moment to welcome frequent commenter, Hari Batti, to the blogosphere with his Green Light Dhaba. Hari fights for environmental & social justice on the Indian subcontinent. See what the daily special is.
I recently stepped away from the computer to get a quick snack and take a bathroom break. When I got back to my workstation, I had received a pop-up on one of the many monitors I have alerting me about how to deal with my internet addiction.
Of course, the plasticgraduate really has no such problem. While there are 87 million Americans who are stuck on the Facebook for hours and hours, I much prefer the old fashioned string and tin cans. Since the Bush administration, though, illegal wire tapping and string tapping have been rampant. One can never be too careful, which is why I'm considering canceling my string service and Comcast and sending all of my data via carrier pigeon. That way my data should be safe from the authorites, unless the pigeon is suspected of terrorism. In which case I will have to hand deliver this blog to your door.
While, I am the plasticgraduate, not the grammar girl, no - that is not a typo.
The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Yesterday was 9/9/9. The plasticgraduate does not believe in numerology and there is a conspiracy to keep the truth about this date from the public.
While mainstream media outlets pique our interest, but ultimately insist that there is nothing special about the day, the blogosphere has sought to focus on one of the more pernicious problems which has infested the Internet since its inception: cats, many of them feral, many of them not.
You may have noticed relatively few cats on the internet yesterday. The folks at Urlesque declared it was a day without cats. The fourth estate immediately jumped on the bandwagon. Time, NPR, and many, many blogs did the same - drawing our collective attention away from the momentous occasion of 9/9/9. And when a gathering was to take place as the clock struck 9:09:09 that celestial evening, representative Joe Wilson yelled "liar" in the middle of President Obama's Speech on Healthcare.
His chief of staff has issued a press release stating that Mr. Wilson was not referring to the President, he was yelling at his neighbor who claimed that cats can't really play piano.
My wish: 10/10/10 - a day without Comcast.
Fact: 57% of all Oregonians were born in a state other than Oregon.*
Fact: 28% of all Oregonians believe themselves to be "environmentally aware."*
Fact: All Oregonians own a pair of Khakis and a Kleen Kanteen.*
(*I was actually too lazy to look up any of this and made it all up.)
You may think that this is the most boring blog, but you would be wrong.
Many of you have speculated on the exact location of the Plasticave, from which, lonejustice is written. Well, I assure you that it is not in Boring. The Plasticave is a secure hideaway, and yours truly, the plasticgraduate, accesses lonejustice, through a series of tubes called the Internet. This is truly amazing technology that allows for complete anonymity.
The plasticgraduate has always been a great believer in the superiority of the animal kingdom. Obviously, monkeys have known for years how to peel a banana while I always struggle, mashing it and throwing away half. Oh well, I usually have enough left over for my Cheerios. What do monkeys care about cereal? They probably take Lipitor for their cholesterol problems.
Apparently some guy in England actually tested out this theory. After five years, all he could get out of the monkey was the word, "monkey." Not even, "monkey want banana."
So, I heard that this Internet thing is a little like the infinite monkey theory. Except that it's proved the theory wrong.
About this blog
- Politics.
- Internet.
- Technology.
A masked vigilante, the Plasticgraduate is a 21st century crimefighter for truth and justice.
He writes from an undisclosed location in the great state of Oregon. There, he wages a lone battle in a world where the natives are bent on the destruction of humanity.
When not eliminating scum from the Earth, he lives peacefully with his family in the Plasticave.
Contact: pg@plasticgraduate.com
