My rise to fame in the crimefighting world came in tandem with the explosion of computer technology. I frequently prefer the good, old-fashioned tasering and bean-bag shooting ways of the Portland Police. Those suspected jaywalkers could turn on you at any moment.

However, I've learned to love this Internet thing. I've even begun to spell internet with a small "i," though I can hear my 7th grade English teacher weeping.

There's been a few cases recently involving technology that have got me thinking about how I can better eliminate the scum of the earth. Though, I can't really decide if technology is the answer or the problem.

Up in Lacey, three middle schoolers are facing child pornography charges for sexting a nude picture of a classmate. Yes, these are serious charge. These thirteen year-olds deserve nothing less than to be forced to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

In their defense, however, perhaps they were framed. Like this man in Winnepeg (that's in the Socialist 51st State of Canada if you didn't know), who claims to have had explicit text messages pre-set on his cell phone. His girlfriend kicked him out after finding messages such as, "Booty Call," and "Where u at." Now, he's homeless and trying to rebuild his life. His mobile carrier, Virgin (!?), has admitted the error.

Closer to the great state of Oregon, we don't need fingerprints, blood, DNA or witness statements to convict criminals. Motive and a good pair of Nike shoes are plenty. One look at a tread mark, and Nike employee Herbert Hedges can immediately tell you which Nike shoe made it. That's enough to tie you to the scene of a crime - along with 600,000 other people.

I stopped buying Nike when they moved their manufacturing facilities out of the United States. Instead, I've burned the prints off my feet with acid and go barefoot.

Finally, in a perfectly ingenious plan, a school in Philadelphia gave children laptops with webcams. They neglected to tell the kids and their parents that they could turn on the cameras and spy on the kids at any time. The story only broke when a principal told a student he was "doing something wrong at home." You'll be thankful to know there were no reports of the boy going blind.

Let's forget this foolishness of "One Laptop Per Child," shall we? Let's get "One Laptop Per Delinquent." We'll see crime go down to zero in no time.