Two of my greatest nemeses, the eco-terrorists and Facebook, are having a spat about the social media powerhouse's new data center down the road in Prineville.

Apparently, the folks at Greenpeace don't like the fact that most of the energy in Prineville comes from coal.

So, in what will surely go down in history as one of the most effective protests since the Montgomery Bus Boycott, some folks at Greenpeace decided to show their inconformity by creating a Facebook page:

A few days earlier, however, a Facebook spokesperson touted the green design elements of the data center (wuss). Lee Weinstein said the data center "will be one of the most energy efficient in the world...."

He also stated that the Oregon is "very aggressive" in its push toward renewable energy, "calling for 25 percent of power in the state to be produced by renewable resources by 2025. Facebook believes this policy will ensure continued growth of renewable generation resources."


For once the plasticgraduate stands beside Facebook on this one. A fifteen year goal of using 25% renewable energy sounds pretty aggressive to me. Surely Facebook will be around in 15 years to see this goal met.

Meanwhile, I've purchased all the coal I can. If you see a black plume of smoke burning in the forest, you'll have found the secret location of my hideaway.

Last time I checked, global warming isn't real anyway, Greenpeace.

(The clip might not be viewable outside the U.S. Sorry.)

Yes, in the words of the late, great Pat Paulsen, "I've upped my standards."

Pat Paulsen was a friend of mine. Since I'm no Pat Paulsen, I would never tell anybody to up theirs.

As you may have noticed, there's been a few stylistic changes around this blog.

As readership has rocketed to the high two digits, yours truly felt it was time to ditch that "Blogspot Retro" and go for something a little more befitting my manly, youthful vigor.

Things may not work quite right; I think I've tested everything out. Sometimes the generator goes down here in the Plasticave. So if you catch a problem, a link doesn't work, a page won't load - kindly let me know.

If you aren't happy with the changes, then you are probably a Democrat, and your opinion won't carry much weight around here, anyway.

My rise to fame in the crimefighting world came in tandem with the explosion of computer technology. I frequently prefer the good, old-fashioned tasering and bean-bag shooting ways of the Portland Police. Those suspected jaywalkers could turn on you at any moment.

However, I've learned to love this Internet thing. I've even begun to spell internet with a small "i," though I can hear my 7th grade English teacher weeping.

There's been a few cases recently involving technology that have got me thinking about how I can better eliminate the scum of the earth. Though, I can't really decide if technology is the answer or the problem.

Up in Lacey, three middle schoolers are facing child pornography charges for sexting a nude picture of a classmate. Yes, these are serious charge. These thirteen year-olds deserve nothing less than to be forced to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

In their defense, however, perhaps they were framed. Like this man in Winnepeg (that's in the Socialist 51st State of Canada if you didn't know), who claims to have had explicit text messages pre-set on his cell phone. His girlfriend kicked him out after finding messages such as, "Booty Call," and "Where u at." Now, he's homeless and trying to rebuild his life. His mobile carrier, Virgin (!?), has admitted the error.

Closer to the great state of Oregon, we don't need fingerprints, blood, DNA or witness statements to convict criminals. Motive and a good pair of Nike shoes are plenty. One look at a tread mark, and Nike employee Herbert Hedges can immediately tell you which Nike shoe made it. That's enough to tie you to the scene of a crime - along with 600,000 other people.

I stopped buying Nike when they moved their manufacturing facilities out of the United States. Instead, I've burned the prints off my feet with acid and go barefoot.

Finally, in a perfectly ingenious plan, a school in Philadelphia gave children laptops with webcams. They neglected to tell the kids and their parents that they could turn on the cameras and spy on the kids at any time. The story only broke when a principal told a student he was "doing something wrong at home." You'll be thankful to know there were no reports of the boy going blind.

Let's forget this foolishness of "One Laptop Per Child," shall we? Let's get "One Laptop Per Delinquent." We'll see crime go down to zero in no time.

In my previous post, I outlined some of the travails of pdx officer Chris Humphreys and his escapades keeping the citizens of Portland in line.

I want to stress how calls for his suspension are utterly unrealistic and part of a larger liberal conspiracy. The Portland Police are, in fact, protecting us from depravity and dereliction.

This is a particularly dangerous time in the city of Portland. I need the help of the iron hand of the popo to maintain order.

Here are a few examples of the troubles that face our city and how the police have lent me a hand:

• At the end of January, someone attempted to start a fire in City Hall with a bagel. Luckily, the building was evacuated and there were no injuries. 

• Back in December, while police broke up a fight among the homeless, an officer's police car was stolen. This was the second police car robbery that month.

• In January, while witnessing a man immolate himself, a Portland police officer sought to extinguish the man. She used pepper spray instead of a fire extinguisher. Chief of Police Rosie Sizer defended the officer saying, "...in many ways, her acts were heroic." I'd have to agreee.

• Walking the street in areas with gang activity is usually cause for suspicion. Sometimes the police need to randomly pat people down, slam them on the ground and put their knees on their back, especially to 130 pound cigar-smoking women.

Everybody, especially despondent, suicidal men such as Aaron Campbell, must always follow police instructions. If not, they are fair game. Yes, he had just lost his brother earlier in the day. Yes, the police were informed that he could be armed. Police believed he was reaching toward his waist as they shot him in the back with a rifle on January 29th after being called to the scene.

Now, dear readers, you may be thinking, "I've seen 'Law & Order.' After the detectives fire their weapons, the suspect goes down, the police rush over, sigh, then - visibly upset that they've injured or killed somebody, yell in their radios, 'I need a bus! Stat!'"

Things work a little differently up here, you see. Because, as the grand jury found, when they cleared the officers of any wrongdoing of killing Campbell, it took another 36 minutes before they checked to see how he was doing. I dunno, maybe they had to make a coffee run. Maybe there was another, more pressing criminal act to take care of. Maybe they were all out of that yellow police tape.

So you see, my friends, being a crimefighter in Portland is not for the weak. It takes a strong constitution.

As a crimefighter, I know it can be difficult to patrol the mean streets of a major metropolis like Portland, Oregon.

Luckily, the thin blue line is out, protecting us daily from the menaces2society. And not just from the criminals, gangs and violence, but also from 12 year-olds, the mentally ill, college students and people on fire.

Now, you may complain. You may cry police abuse. But I ask you, "Don't you want a safer town?" A town that is ruled with an iron fist is safe. Spare the rod and spoil the child my mother used to say and I turned out OK - even, earning a Ph.D. as you can tell from my fancy hat.

I submit the first of a two part post highlighting some high profile cases while juxtaposing the preposterous claims of police abuse as proof that we, your humble public servants, are only doing our best to serve and protect the public from ne'er do wells.

Don't piss on me
Urination and mental illness should never be tolerated. Which is why two Portland Police Officers and one Multnomah County Sherrif's Deputy tackled, tasered and beat James Chasse in September 2006 leading to his mysterious death. Instead of taking him to a hospital, they let the ambulance go, and tried to book him first. It's important to lock these people up before there's more street urination. Rabble rousing citizens decided to file complaints of undue police force.  Luckily a grand jury convened at the time, cleared all of the officers involved, including Chris Humphreys, of any wrongdoing.

Now, I particularly feel for Officer Humphreys. He was so confused over the James Chasse death that he changed his story three days after the incident. Speaking personally, this is perfectly normal. I change my stories more frequently than Michelle Duggar changes diapers.

Things had been dormant since 2006 as the populace had understood that law and order reigned. Things became a little bumpy last year, however (giving yours truly an opportunity to break into the freelance market).

But it's been coming fast and furious now from our Police Chief Rosie Sizer and gang.

Don't ride on me
On November 14, 2009, Portland Police were called to break up a party of 75-100 teens. Apparently, police have no problem breaking up large groups of partying teens. Controlling one teen is another thing altogether. One of these revelers, a 12 year-old girl, tried to get on the Tri-Met (the light rail system). The girl had previously been banned from riding the Tri-Met, so the officers took her off the train and proceeded to handcuff her. When the 150 lb, 12 year-old became aggressive, three officers were unable to restrain her without resorting to shooting her in the thigh with a high powered bean bag gun. What was the name of the officer who shot her? Chris Humphreys. Yes, the same officer involved in the death of James Chasse three years earlier (who was also named in a 2003 lawsuit and, as of 2006, was tied at #2 for most Use of Force incidents among the Portland Police). The girl was only bruised, and was taken away to be prosecuted for resisting arrest. You can see a video of incident below.



When poor, stressed out Officer Humphreys was suspended following this incident, hundreds of his brothers in blue did the only right thing and took to the streets and protested. Unfortunately, I was out of town and couldn't show my support.

They were unable to get a permit for their protest. It was peaceful, though, and there were no arrests (Who would have arrested them, I wonder?).

As it turns out, Officer Humphreys had already filed a stress-related disability claim - I'm the first to tell you that all that shooting and beating can make anybody anxious. I recommend a daily cup of St. John's Wort tea. It has changed my life.

Next Post: Part II - Feeling despondent, suicidal? Don't call a suicide line, the Portland Popo are here to help!
Is this a fire extinguisher or pepper spray? Car 54 where are you? Do you have a cigar in your mouth or are you just happy to see me? So many possible titles for the next post, so little headline space. See you next time.

Update - Feb 12, 2009: She's baaaaack! Luckily, Tila's found an angel inside to let her continue the online battle.

Yes, you heard it here first. In a sure sign the apocalypse is nigh, Tia Tequila has quit Twitter.

I was wondering why I wasn't receiving my daily shot of wit and wisdom from that Internet Star, Queen of all Media, Tia Tequila, so I browse over to her Twitter feed, only to find that the page "Doesn't Exist."

Being the true fan that I am, I know where to find her. But this is troubling. She accuses the Twitter community of the most vile transgressions. Could this be a vast, right wing conspiracy taking hold merely days after Obama's first real tweet?

Yes, she'll blame it over the dust up that ensued after she announced the death of her fiancée, Casey Johnson, via Twitter. Things got really weird when she tweeted to her beyond the grave. I can't say as I blame Tia. For a shot at love with her, I'm asking you, my dear readers, to bury me with this blog, my cell phone and my mortar board, so that I can keep her informed of my feats of derring-do on the other side.

As of this posting, Tia's Twitternemesis, Perez Hilton, had not yet responded to her self-imposed exile from the twitterverse.

In an unrelated death, William Shatner sent his condolences to the family of Justin Mentell, his Boston Legal costar, via Twitter. Why call or send a card when 140 characters is sufficient to convey how much somebody meant to you?

Now Shatner's tweet was written impeccably, so I don't know why his fellow Canadians think that Twitter is cause for alarm in the education of their youth.

Friends, I promise not to send condolences in my tweets. However, if I pass on from this world, please send me the occasional @message and follow my tweets. I promise to watch over you.