Ever since I bought got my Ph.D., people have asked me, "Plasticgraduate, how did you get so smart?"

But it's not intelligence, grasshopper. It's hard work and dedication that made me the incredible person who writes before you.

Whenever I have one of my many motivational speaking engagements at local public schools across this great state (all at a reasonable fee, including per diem), I tell kids, "Stay in school. Do your best! Don't get drunker than your teachers.

But, alas, it pains me to read the news of late and see that some students and teachers are being denied entry to school simply because they want to have guns and defend themselves. Thou shalt carry a firearm: it's called the second commandment, people!

Let's be honest. Schools can be dangerous places and they can be made safer by teaching students weaponry. Recess is full of uncertainty. Six-year olds armed with Swiss Army knives can protect themselves and others from harm and cheaters at kickball.

However, what kind of country do we live in? An unpatriotic 10 year-old can refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance but can't tell a substitute to "jump off a bridge" without fear of retribution?

The terrorists have already won.

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