Dead links and all.

It's been confirmed by the mouthpiece of liberalism, National Public Radio. There are more foreigners in Oregon than Oregonians. Around these parts, a foreigner is anyone who isn't from Oregon, so I'm counting Californians who have set us on the road to ruin.

And they just keep moving here, these kids. No jobs, but that doesn't seem to matter. Overeducated, overgrown teens chasing after Korean Taco trucks because Twitter tells them to.

Get off my unwatered lawn.

As an independent crimefighter trying to make a buck, I am competing with Portland's Finest among many other public servants. It can be a difficult row to hoe when their services are paid for by your tax dollars and I have to charge a meager fee to my clients.

I, of course, offer high quality. I promise not to kick the sh*t out of you if you pay me. I have yet to shoot 12 year-old girls with bean bag guns. So when the Portland Police ask for a raise, it galls me.

I fear it may be time to seek greener pastures. For my next post, I will be reporting on the outlook for crimefighting from other locales. Any suggestions?

Two of my greatest nemeses, the eco-terrorists and Facebook, are having a spat about the social media powerhouse's new data center down the road in Prineville.

Apparently, the folks at Greenpeace don't like the fact that most of the energy in Prineville comes from coal.

So, in what will surely go down in history as one of the most effective protests since the Montgomery Bus Boycott, some folks at Greenpeace decided to show their inconformity by creating a Facebook page:

A few days earlier, however, a Facebook spokesperson touted the green design elements of the data center (wuss). Lee Weinstein said the data center "will be one of the most energy efficient in the world...."

He also stated that the Oregon is "very aggressive" in its push toward renewable energy, "calling for 25 percent of power in the state to be produced by renewable resources by 2025. Facebook believes this policy will ensure continued growth of renewable generation resources."


For once the plasticgraduate stands beside Facebook on this one. A fifteen year goal of using 25% renewable energy sounds pretty aggressive to me. Surely Facebook will be around in 15 years to see this goal met.

Meanwhile, I've purchased all the coal I can. If you see a black plume of smoke burning in the forest, you'll have found the secret location of my hideaway.

Last time I checked, global warming isn't real anyway, Greenpeace.

(The clip might not be viewable outside the U.S. Sorry.)

Yes, in the words of the late, great Pat Paulsen, "I've upped my standards."

Pat Paulsen was a friend of mine. Since I'm no Pat Paulsen, I would never tell anybody to up theirs.

As you may have noticed, there's been a few stylistic changes around this blog.

As readership has rocketed to the high two digits, yours truly felt it was time to ditch that "Blogspot Retro" and go for something a little more befitting my manly, youthful vigor.

Things may not work quite right; I think I've tested everything out. Sometimes the generator goes down here in the Plasticave. So if you catch a problem, a link doesn't work, a page won't load - kindly let me know.

If you aren't happy with the changes, then you are probably a Democrat, and your opinion won't carry much weight around here, anyway.

My rise to fame in the crimefighting world came in tandem with the explosion of computer technology. I frequently prefer the good, old-fashioned tasering and bean-bag shooting ways of the Portland Police. Those suspected jaywalkers could turn on you at any moment.

However, I've learned to love this Internet thing. I've even begun to spell internet with a small "i," though I can hear my 7th grade English teacher weeping.

There's been a few cases recently involving technology that have got me thinking about how I can better eliminate the scum of the earth. Though, I can't really decide if technology is the answer or the problem.

Up in Lacey, three middle schoolers are facing child pornography charges for sexting a nude picture of a classmate. Yes, these are serious charge. These thirteen year-olds deserve nothing less than to be forced to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

In their defense, however, perhaps they were framed. Like this man in Winnepeg (that's in the Socialist 51st State of Canada if you didn't know), who claims to have had explicit text messages pre-set on his cell phone. His girlfriend kicked him out after finding messages such as, "Booty Call," and "Where u at." Now, he's homeless and trying to rebuild his life. His mobile carrier, Virgin (!?), has admitted the error.

Closer to the great state of Oregon, we don't need fingerprints, blood, DNA or witness statements to convict criminals. Motive and a good pair of Nike shoes are plenty. One look at a tread mark, and Nike employee Herbert Hedges can immediately tell you which Nike shoe made it. That's enough to tie you to the scene of a crime - along with 600,000 other people.

I stopped buying Nike when they moved their manufacturing facilities out of the United States. Instead, I've burned the prints off my feet with acid and go barefoot.

Finally, in a perfectly ingenious plan, a school in Philadelphia gave children laptops with webcams. They neglected to tell the kids and their parents that they could turn on the cameras and spy on the kids at any time. The story only broke when a principal told a student he was "doing something wrong at home." You'll be thankful to know there were no reports of the boy going blind.

Let's forget this foolishness of "One Laptop Per Child," shall we? Let's get "One Laptop Per Delinquent." We'll see crime go down to zero in no time.

In my previous post, I outlined some of the travails of pdx officer Chris Humphreys and his escapades keeping the citizens of Portland in line.

I want to stress how calls for his suspension are utterly unrealistic and part of a larger liberal conspiracy. The Portland Police are, in fact, protecting us from depravity and dereliction.

This is a particularly dangerous time in the city of Portland. I need the help of the iron hand of the popo to maintain order.

Here are a few examples of the troubles that face our city and how the police have lent me a hand:

• At the end of January, someone attempted to start a fire in City Hall with a bagel. Luckily, the building was evacuated and there were no injuries. 

• Back in December, while police broke up a fight among the homeless, an officer's police car was stolen. This was the second police car robbery that month.

• In January, while witnessing a man immolate himself, a Portland police officer sought to extinguish the man. She used pepper spray instead of a fire extinguisher. Chief of Police Rosie Sizer defended the officer saying, "...in many ways, her acts were heroic." I'd have to agreee.

• Walking the street in areas with gang activity is usually cause for suspicion. Sometimes the police need to randomly pat people down, slam them on the ground and put their knees on their back, especially to 130 pound cigar-smoking women.

Everybody, especially despondent, suicidal men such as Aaron Campbell, must always follow police instructions. If not, they are fair game. Yes, he had just lost his brother earlier in the day. Yes, the police were informed that he could be armed. Police believed he was reaching toward his waist as they shot him in the back with a rifle on January 29th after being called to the scene.

Now, dear readers, you may be thinking, "I've seen 'Law & Order.' After the detectives fire their weapons, the suspect goes down, the police rush over, sigh, then - visibly upset that they've injured or killed somebody, yell in their radios, 'I need a bus! Stat!'"

Things work a little differently up here, you see. Because, as the grand jury found, when they cleared the officers of any wrongdoing of killing Campbell, it took another 36 minutes before they checked to see how he was doing. I dunno, maybe they had to make a coffee run. Maybe there was another, more pressing criminal act to take care of. Maybe they were all out of that yellow police tape.

So you see, my friends, being a crimefighter in Portland is not for the weak. It takes a strong constitution.